It’s Monday, probably my least favorite day of the week. The weekend is over and it’s time to get back to the daily grind. I’m really wishing I could have stayed home today but it’s the first day of the semester so it’s bound to be busy here.
Josh is at home sleeping. He drank his usual 3 beers last night and it would seem that it was too much for him. This morning he got really aggressive with his alarm clocks and I finally just told him to call in to work. He did and then promptly went right back to sleep. I’m pretty sure he’s still sleeping. I asked him if he felt ok and he kind of mumbled something, so I’m not thinking he’s actually sick. I think he’s hungover and that really pisses me off.
The weekend was interesting. Saturday morning we kind of got into it again before going up to the hospital to sit with my dad for awhile. Things seemed ok after that. His one friend had called and he thought maybe he’d want to go hang out with him, but of course he didn’t call him back to make plans. Sunday we got up and again it was kind of strained. He sent his friend a text and asked if he wanted to get together so then we spent a good part of the day just waiting to hear from him. I did manage to get most of the laundry done and I finished the new bag I’d been knitting and got it dyed. It just irritates me to no end that he can’t make a fucking plan.
Last night he was bemoaning the fact that the beer he drinks has changed so that it has less alcohol in it. I would think this would be a good thing but apparently not. He wants as much alcohol per volume as he can possibly get so he can get drunk that much quicker. I wouldn’t think the 3 beers last night would have knocked him out like this, but I also didn’t check to see if he’d drank the last of the hard liquor I had stashed in the freezer.
I’m just not sure what to do anymore. Every day I wake up thinking that today will be the day I leave him and yet every night I go to sleep next to him. I’m not sure if I’m waiting for him to do just one more terrible thing or what. He’s already done a whole mess of unforgiveable things, it shouldn’t really take anything else for me to open my eyes and realize how bad he is for me.
Since he’s still sleeping I drove my own car to work today. I know I told him yesterday that we needed gas. When he went to get his beer I just assumed he’d done it. No. I got almost to work this morning and the low fuel light came on. So now this afternoon before I can go to my psych appointment I have to stop at the fucking gas station.
I changed my psych appointment to today. I figured with all the mess going on that waiting another week wasn’t really the best idea. It’s late in the day so I won’t miss too much work. I just want to have a chance to talk to my doc and see what she thinks I can do to help with the sleep issues and the mood swings. I’m guessing she’ll say that part of this is from having had the hysterectomy. She warned me that my hormones might get really out of whack before they finally settled down. Maybe that’s all this is, I just don’t know. I really don’t want to go on the Seroquel again for sleeping. I’m hoping maybe I can get more Saphris from her or something else that’s not going to make me so damn dopey in the morning.
Dad was in the ICU again for a few days but now he’s back on the normal floor. He’s been running a fever that they can’t totally explain and they wanted to keep a closer eye on him for a bit. He told my mom yesterday that he feels weaker every day and that it’s getting harder to stay awake. I’m guessing the end is getting close. His brother is coming into town this afternoon to visit him. Mom thinks maybe this is what he’s been waiting for to finally let go. I hope so. It’s terrible to see him suffering like this.
My biggest fear today is that Josh is going to get up and go hang out with that friend of his. Although the friend would have to come get him since I’ve got the car. I just don’t want him thinking he can call in to work and then spend the day completely goofing off. This would be the terrible thing that would send me over the edge I think. When I asked Josh this morning what he was going to do today he said he was just going to talk to me, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I just know that his friend has today off work so it’s a very real possibility that Josh would go see him. I’m pretty sure I’ll freak if he does.
