When I saw my psych doc the other day she said that the trouble sleeping is a normal thing when you have the staggering amounts of stress that I do.  She suggested the usual things – stay away from alcohol, avoid caffeine after 2pm, don’t drink anything at all after 7pm, avoid spicy foods for dinner, get more exercise, no nicotine in the evenings, etc.  I do most of that already.  The only one I really don’t worry about so much is the caffeine as it doesn’t seem to bother me at all.  Anyway, even with doing that stuff I’m still not sleeping that great.  I asked her about taking some kind of pill and she said that even if she gave me something it probably wouldn’t work.  This kind of stress induced insomnia just has to work itself out.  Given that we have no idea how long my dad has left, I might be sleep deprived for a good long while.

Things at home seem to be decent.  Josh and I still have little issues during the day but by the time we get home we seem to be willing and able to work them out.  It appears that at least some of the trouble during the day is that he’s back in his “I hate my job” mood and so there’s not much I can do to cheer him up until he leaves work.  Last night I suggested that perhaps this weekend we should spend a little time looking for a new job for him.  He said that would probably be a good idea.

I’ve been working on making a new hat for him at night.  I made one for him before Christmas but I didn’t it make it quite big enough so when I felted it it shrank a little too much.  It still fits, it just doesn’t cover his ears the way he’d like.  Fortunately I had another ball of the same yarn left so I’m making the same hat, just a bit longer. I’m hoping to be able to finish it tonight.

Before the holidays I started making a really pretty shrug for myself out of sock yarn.  It’s gorgeous.  The only problem is that it seems to be taking forever to finish.  It’s one of those “black hole” projects where all of the progress seems to get sucked into some alternative dimension so you never see that you’re getting anywhere.  The colors are great and the stitch pattern is turning out really nice.  I’m hoping to get that finished soon.

Because of all the money issues I really need to be able to work from my respective stashes of craft supplies for awhile.  I’m pretty good on yarn, decent on beads (depending on what I want to do), and I’ve got a shit-ton of cross stitch/blackwork stuff.  I should be able to find things at home to keep my hands occupied for at least the next several months.  This is a Very Good Thing.

Another Very Good Thing is a plan for this weekend.  Josh and I will be getting together with the always lovely Gemma and her Josh for an afternoon/evening of enjoyment.  The boys are going to play video games while us girls crochet and then Gemma is going to make us a traditional British dinner.  I can’t wait!  We were fortunate enough to be able to have them over to our place before Christmas and we had a really good time.  They’re a ton of fun to hang out with.

I’m back to toying with the idea of the weekly goals again.  I haven’t really figured out what good goals would be just yet, but I’m thinking it did help a little when I did it last time.  I’ve also been thinking about some longer term goals for the year.  I never do resolutions, but I’ve been known to do just regular goals.  Sometimes it helps.  And y’all know me and lists.

Things are strained as usual.  He had some trouble falling asleep last night since he’d slept so much during the day and that of course meant that I had trouble sleeping.  I think I finally got to sleep sometime around midnight.

I asked my doc yesterday about all of this and she said it’s probably just that I’ve already started the grieving process.  She said the depression is very normal as is the trouble sleeping.  And unfortunately she said it will probably get worse before it starts to get better.

My uncle is here and that seems to be cheering my dad up.  He had a really good day yesterday.  They’re back to talking about moving him to a rehab facility later this week.  Today he’s supposed to have his first radiation treatment.  I just hope it all goes well.  It would be nice if he could catch a break for a change.

I’m ticked at Josh again, seems like the usual morning thing anymore.  I was very sweet to him before I left for work.  I told him I love him and asked how he was feeling.  He replied in a nice way but didn’t ask me anything or say anything other than the bare minimum to get his message across.  I haven’t heard from him since except for one of those fucking text kisses.  God I hate those kisses.

It’s petty and it’s stupid but I guess that’s the mood I’m in.

Maybe I’m just looking for reasons to leave him again.  I haven’t really been happy lately, but how much of that is because of him and how much is my own doing?  We make our own happiness – I shouldn’t be relying on him to make me happy all of the time.  It just really feels like I do all the work to make things run as smoothly as possible and he just takes for granted that I’ll keep doing those things.

Josh is at home sleeping.  He drank his usual 3 beers last night and it would seem that it was too much for him.  This morning he got really aggressive with his alarm clocks and I finally just told him to call in to work.  He did and then promptly went right back to sleep.  I’m pretty sure he’s still sleeping.  I asked him if he felt ok and he kind of mumbled something, so I’m not thinking he’s actually sick.  I think he’s hungover and that really pisses me off.

The weekend was interesting.  Saturday morning we kind of got into it again before going up to the hospital to sit with my dad for awhile.  Things seemed ok after that.  His one friend had called and he thought maybe he’d want to go hang out with him, but of course he didn’t call him back to make plans.  Sunday we got up and again it was kind of strained.  He sent his friend a text and asked if he wanted to get together so then we spent a good part of the day just waiting to hear from him.  I did manage to get most of the laundry done and I finished the new bag I’d been knitting and got it dyed.  It just irritates me to no end that he can’t make a fucking plan.

Last night he was bemoaning the fact that the beer he drinks has changed so that it has less alcohol in it.  I would think this would be a good thing but apparently not.  He wants as much alcohol per volume as he can possibly get so he can get drunk that much quicker.  I wouldn’t think the 3 beers last night would have knocked him out like this, but I also didn’t check to see if he’d drank the last of the hard liquor I had stashed in the freezer.

I’m just not sure what to do anymore.  Every day I wake up thinking that today will be the day I leave him and yet every night I go to sleep next to him.  I’m not sure if I’m waiting for him to do just one more terrible thing or what.  He’s already done a whole mess of unforgiveable things, it shouldn’t really take anything else for me to open my eyes and realize how bad he is for me.

Since he’s still sleeping I drove my own car to work today.  I know I told him yesterday that we needed gas.  When he went to get his beer I just assumed he’d done it.  No.  I got almost to work this morning and the low fuel light came on.  So now this afternoon before I can go to my psych appointment I have to stop at the fucking gas station.

I changed my psych appointment to today.  I figured with all the mess going on that waiting another week wasn’t really the best idea.  It’s late in the day so I won’t miss too much work.  I just want to have a chance to talk to my doc and see what she thinks I can do to help with the sleep issues and the mood swings.  I’m guessing she’ll say that part of this is from having had the hysterectomy.  She warned me that my hormones might get really out of whack before they finally settled down.  Maybe that’s all this is, I just don’t know.  I really don’t want to go on the Seroquel again for sleeping.  I’m hoping maybe I can get more Saphris from her or something else that’s not going to make me so damn dopey in the morning.

Dad was in the ICU again for a few days but now he’s back on the normal floor.  He’s been running a fever that they can’t totally explain and they wanted to keep a closer eye on him for a bit.  He told my mom yesterday that he feels weaker every day and that it’s getting harder to stay awake.  I’m guessing the end is getting close.  His brother is coming into town this afternoon to visit him.  Mom thinks maybe this is what he’s been waiting for to finally let go.  I hope so.  It’s terrible to see him suffering like this.

My biggest fear today is that Josh is going to get up and go hang out with that friend of his.  Although the friend would have to come get him since I’ve got the car.  I just don’t want him thinking he can call in to work and then spend the day completely goofing off.  This would be the terrible thing that would send me over the edge I think.  When I asked Josh this morning what he was going to do today he said he was just going to talk to me, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see.  I just know that his friend has today off work so it’s a very real possibility that Josh would go see him.  I’m pretty sure I’ll freak if he does.

I got home and was very cool to him.  After about 20 minutes he asked if something was wrong because he said I’d been “on edge” all day.  He couldn’t point to a specific behavior, just said I’d been off.  We talked a little more, started to make up, and then my mom called.  He referred to her as “the evil one.”  I lost it.  We had a huge fight.  We yelled, we threw things, we yelled some more, I told him to just pack his shit and get the fuck out…

And then we calmed down, looked at each other, and started to make up.

It didn’t stay calm.  Things got bad again, and then they got better again.  By the time it was all said and done we’d apologized to each other, said the things that needed to be said, and everything seemed to be as ok as it ever is with us.

Fast forward to this morning.

I haven’t been sleeping well.  Partly because of the drama with Josh and partly because my dad is getting worse.  I sleep pretty shallow and not for very long.  When I woke up this morning at 4:30 to his alarms I thought maybe he’d snuggle me a little.  Nope.  When he left finally he said good bye and gave me a kiss but that was it.  I haven’t heard anything from him in over an hour now.  The last bit of conversation we had was me telling him I’d made it to work ok.  He should be calling any minute now on his break and I really don’t feel like talking to him.

Seems like the more we fight the worse things get.  It used to be that we’d have one of these monster fights and then once we’d made up everything would go back to good for awhile.  Now it seems like all we’re going to do is fight.  I really don’t need this shit right now.  I think I’ve got plenty of other stress in my life, I don’t need more from the man who is supposed to love me.

And yes, I caved, again.

The conversation went better than expected, so that’s good.  We actually had a pleasant conversation and he told me to PLAN on having our usual afternoon when we get home.  You’ve got to understand, this man doesn’t plan anything.  For him to say that was like sweet music to my ears.

Have you noticed that I’m really fucking bipolar these days?

When I talked to him at lunch he asked me what I was wearing and then said that he bet I looked nice today.  That’s it.  In return I have said nothing nice, no compliments, no I love yous, nothing to indicate that I have any kind of emotional attachment to him at all.  He hasn’t said one fucking word about any of it.  And I really doubt he will.  He’s so unobservant most of the time that it’s a wonder he manages to get himself up and ready for work in the morning.

He thinks we’re having sex when I get home.  This is his fix for everything.  The wife is in a bad mood?  Fuck her.  The wife is feeling neglected?  Fuck her.  The wife is feeling stressed out?  Fuck her.  I want no part of it today.

I really don’t even want to go home, and that’s never a good sign.

I guess if I had to try to label this I’d say that I’m depressed again.  Food doesn’t taste good, I’d rather sleep than do just about anything else, I’ve got very little energy, and it seems to take a monumental effort to paste a smile on my face.  I’m still debating about leaving my psych appointment until the 16th.  I don’t really want to have to ask for any more time off work since things are starting to get busy again.  If I leave it till the 16th that’s a holiday for us and I won’t have to miss any time.  Just not sure I can hold out that long.

He’s got to know by now that I’m pissed.  I mean seriously, I’ve been doing this all day.  Don’t you think by now that he would have picked up on the fact that something’s wrong?  But no, I wasn’t yelling at him when I talked to him so he doesn’t pay any attention to what gets said or not said.  He just can’t be bothered to pay any attention to me anymore.

I bet I find a way to get his attention tonight.

It’s not like he begged or anything.  I didn’t even get to the speech.  I took one look at him and decided that I really hadn’t had my fill yet so I gave him a different speech.  I told him how hard I’ve been trying to be good to him lately and how sometimes I need him to give a little extra.  He said he’d try.  However, the entire time it felt like I was talking to the wall.  The rest of the evening was quiet.  We didn’t get to make up in our usual way because someone came to the house to look at the furnace.  He said he was too tired anyway.  I don’t know.

So today I’ve been hoping for some kind of sign from him that things really will be better.  So far, nothing.  We woke up late so there was no time to really even say anything to each other before he left.  We’ve exchanged a few messages on text but nothing of consequence.  He’s been nice, just not really outstanding in any way.

I told him that sometimes all I need from him is a random nice comment.  I don’t expect them all day every day, just something sweet every now and then would go a long way towards making me feel good.  I say nice things to him all the time, he just doesn’t seem to appreciate them.  I’m thinking maybe I’ll just stop and see if he notices.  I really doubt he would.  And that irritates me, too.  He doesn’t seem to pay any kind of attention to what I say unless I’m yelling at him.  I hate yelling.

I don’t know how to get through to him.  In all reality I don’t know that I ever have.  The only times he’s made any changes is when I’ve threatened to leave.  I’m tired of that.  And I know that I can’t be the one to change him – he’s got to do that on his own.

I think I’m giving up.  He’s going to do and say whatever he wants and treat me however he wants and there’s really nothing I can do about it.  All I can do is change the way I react to it.  So I’m going to make some changes of my own, see if maybe that helps.

We’re broke.  No, BROKE.  My entire paycheck is gone and I got paid 4 days ago.  I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get through the rest of the month.  He doesn’t seem to give a shit.  All he said was, I guess you should start looking for a new job for me.  Yeah, cuz it’s my job to find him a job.

I told him this morning when I talked to him that I was really stressed out and that I needed him to be extra good to me today.  He said he’d try.  So far?  Gigantic fail.  At lunch I went so far as to beg him to say something nice to me.  He couldn’t think of a single fucking thing to say.

I am so DONE with this shit.  I feel like I’m the only one in this marriage putting forth any effort anymore and I’m sick and tired of it.  I put in all the money, I plan all the meals and activities, I do all the housework, I take care of the brat when she comes over…  it’s all ME.

He tells me to let him know when I need something or when I’m having trouble so that he can help.  When I do ask for something I don’t get it.  When I tell him I need help, he walks away.  Yeah, DONE.  I feel like a fucking doormat and I’m sick of it.

The mood…  I’m pretty sure I was having a mixed episode for awhile over the holidays.  I got real suicidal and even went so far as to make a plan.  The only thing that saved me was keeping busy.  I kept telling myself I had to finish this one more thing and then I’d do it.  And then of course I’d find something else to do.  Then for a few days I was doing the rapid cycling thing.  Up and down and up and down, all day long.  That only lasted a little bit, thank god.  Then things seemed to level out for a few days.  And then the fighting started.

My next appointment with the psych doc is Jan 16.  I’m hoping to make it that long.  What I’m really hoping is to keep my happy little ass out of the hospital.  I can’t afford to be gone from work again like that, not now.  Actually, I’d like to think that maybe I could keep out of the hospital for good this time.

I don’t know what to do right now.  He can’t even say something decent to me and I’m dying for something.  At best if I say something sweet about him he’ll pipe up with a “you too” which sometimes isn’t even appropriate.  This is becoming a deal breaker.

My mood is shit.  Not sure if I’m having another mixed episode or what.  I don’t sleep, food tastes terrible, I’m cranky, can’t really concentrate…  Yeah, shit.

Anyway, if anyone is actually still reading this, try to have a nice holiday.